PRODUCER: I never seen her in a movie. Alright. Let me know. I gotta go. Bye.
PRODUCER: Louis CK! Big fan! Big fan! Thanks for coming down.
LOUIS CK: No thank you uh thank you for seeing me.
PRODUCER: Oh wow. that's right you called me. Wow. Okay. Well what can I do for you?
LOUIS CK: Uh well look I called because when I found oh that you work... work in... um
PRODUCER: That's alright man. You should see my Mom try to tell her friends what I do.
LOUIS CK: Right. Well okay so here's the thing I, I don't know how to put this
I don't know how much you know about me I used to have a show on HBO.
PRODUCER: Yea. Lucky Louis. That was a good show.
LOUIS CK: Thank you. Thanks. So, you know since we got cancelled um...
I've tried to get a few shows in the air, a few projects... But umm...
LOUIS CK: Well I have this thought. It was actually kind of a joke when I first thought it.
LOUIS CK: Okay here's the thing. I think while I have this moment of semi fame
there might be a way to make some money.
I gotta think about the future cause I got two kids.
I... I kinda don't think my career is going to keep going up.
I think it's going to start declining.
But maybe right now maybe I'm just famous enough that if..
PRODUCER: If there was a sex tape it might make a lot of money.
LOUIS CK: Yea. I mean am I crazy?
LOUIS CK: Well that's thats why I'm here, I don't know how to go about this. I don't know..
PRODUCER: Okay you want my thoughts?
PRODUCER: Alright look. I been in this business a long time.
I mean I go back to VHS. There are two things that I know always sell. The sexy and the awful. You...
LOUIS CK: I know I'm..I'm the awful.
PRODUCER: Bingo. Right. People aren't going to goin to run out and buy a sex tape of you because you're sexy. Cmon.
LOUIS CK: Right I know I know I know
PRODUCER: I'll tell you right now if there is a really really awful tape of you out there having all kinds of sex
you Louis CK a known stand up been on the Tonight Show star of Lucky Louis.
Dude. People will buy it. Alright. You'll make money. But its gotta be awful.
PRODUCER: Oh yea. First off right off the bat we're going gay.
PRODUCER: Yea. You ever suck a cock?
PRODUCER: Good. Cause if you were gay this would be worth nada.
But you, Louis CK, sorta famous comedian sucking a cock and hating it. Dude. Money.
LOUIS CK: *Long exhale* Okay. I'm with you.
PRODUCER: Alright, now that's just the beginning though. Okay. That's what we leak. That's what goes viral.
Two seconds or so of you sucking a cock eyebrows all knit with confusion.
But if they're going to buy the tape there's got to be more.
PRODUCER: Well, I'm just spitaballing here. But.
In my mind I'm seeing you I don't know maybe dressed like a clown. Clown. Comedian.
Or maybe not. Right Maybe not maybe you're in a bikini.
Maybe you're dressed like uh like a lady. Right.
And you got a cock in your mouth and you got a cock a black cock in your ass.
PRODUCER: Cmon bro, you wanna make money or not.
LOUIS CK: Okay so. One in the mouth. Black one. Why is it black?
PRODUCER: Why is it black? Because It's attached to a black guy. What's a black guy gonna have a green cock?
LOUIS CK: Okay so this guy doing this and then black guy in the asshole. How long do I have to do that for?
PRODUCER: How long? You know, until they're done. But that's just the first scene.
PRODUCER: Yea. Who's going to buy a porno video with only one scene?
PRODUCER: Well it's gotta escalate.
Once they've seen the blow job and the double team they're gonna wanna see something they
never thought was possible in a Louis CK sex tape.
PRODUCER: Alright let's get creative. Okay. I'm seeing you naked.
Maybe you got a tank top on that's a little too small.
And you got two guys. Like this.
And you're tugging and you're tugging and maybe you got two guys sword fighting in your mouth. Slap and sniff.
LOUIS CK: Whoa whoa what's a slap and sniff?
PRODUCER: Slap and sniff. You know.
Guy smacks you in the face and then makes you smell his cock.
And then maybe maybe you got another guy just resting his cock on your shoulder
Right here. Just resting it there. Like a parrot.
PRODUCER: I know man it hurts. You know what, It's gonna hurt a lot. But I'm telling you you do this right you're set for life.
LOUIS CK: Okay so. First I do the two guys and they finish.
And then I'm jerking off two guys in the sky and the sword fight and the parrot
and then a guy slaps me and I have to smell his penis.
PRODUCER: And another one in your ass. And a dildo.
LOUIS CK: Where does the dildo go?
PRODUCER: I'm just thinking here. Icing on the cake.
Two guys shitting in your mouth and laughing at you.
But forget I said it. Forget I said it.
LOUIS CK: Cmon man, I'm not doing that. That's...
PRODUCER: You're right. Look you're way bigger than that. You don't need to do that. Forget I mentioned it.
PRODUCER: But it would be good. More money.
PRODUCER: Wow. You must really love those kids.
LOUIS CK: Yea I do. How much do you think we can make.
PRODUCER: Well, I'm thinking a million in the first year. Especially with the mouth shitting bit.
LOUIS CK: Hello? Hey Dave what's up?
What? Oh my god are you serious?
Oh jesus Dave that's great news! Oh my god.
No no yes. Look I'll call you back. Dave thank you. Oh my god.
LOUIS CK: I just got my own show on FX.
LOUIS CK: Yes. We go on the air in March.
LOUIS CK: Oh thank god. Listen thank you for your time. But I...I don't think I need you.
PRODUCER: It's no problem. Like I said big fan. Big fan looking forward to the show.