Rethinking Infidelity ... a Talk For Anyone Who Has Ever Loved
And why do happy people cheat?
And when we say "infidelity," what exactly do we mean?
Is it a hookup, a love story, paid sex, a chat room,
a massage with a happy ending?
Why do we think that men cheat out of boredom and fear of intimacy,
but women cheat out of loneliness and hunger for intimacy?
And is an affair always the end of a relationship?
For the past 10 years, I have traveled the globe
and worked extensively with hundreds of couples
who have been shattered by infidelity.
There is one simple act of transgression
that can rob a couple of their relationship,
their happiness and their very identity: an affair.
And yet, this extremely common act is so poorly understood.
So this talk is for anyone who has ever loved.
Adultery has existed since marriage was invented,
and so, too, the taboo against it.
In fact, infidelity has a tenacity that marriage can only envy,
so much so, that this is the only commandment
that is repeated twice in the Bible:
once for doing it, and once just for thinking about it.
So how do we reconcile what is universally forbidden,
Now, throughout history, men practically had a license to cheat
and supported by a host of biological and evolutionary theories
that justified their need to roam,
so the double standard is as old as adultery itself.
But who knows what's really going on under the sheets there, right?
the pressure for men is to boast and to exaggerate,
but the pressure for women is to hide, minimize and deny,
which isn't surprising when you consider that there are still nine countries
where women can be killed for straying.
Now, monogamy used to be one person for life.
Today, monogamy is one person at a time.
I mean, many of you probably have said,
"I am monogamous in all my relationships."
and had sex for the first time.
and we stop having sex with others.
The fact is that monogamy had nothing to do with love.
Men relied on women's fidelity
in order to know whose children these are,
and who gets the cows when I die.
what percentage of people cheat.
I've been asked that question since I arrived at this conference.
But the definition of infidelity keeps on expanding:
sexting, watching porn, staying secretly active on dating apps.
So because there is no universally agreed-upon definition
of what even constitutes an infidelity,
estimates vary widely, from 26 percent to 75 percent.
But on top of it, we are walking contradictions.
So 95 percent of us will say that it is terribly wrong
for our partner to lie about having an affair,
but just about the same amount of us will say
that that's exactly what we would do if we were having one.
Now, I like this definition of an affair --
it brings together the three key elements:
a secretive relationship, which is the core structure of an affair;
an emotional connection to one degree or another;
And alchemy is the key word here,
because the erotic frisson is such that the kiss that you only imagine giving,
can be as powerful and as enchanting
as hours of actual lovemaking.
it's our imagination that is responsible for love, not the other person.
So it's never been easier to cheat,
and it's never been more difficult to keep a secret.
And never has infidelity exacted such a psychological toll.
When marriage was an economic enterprise,
infidelity threatened our economic security.
But now that marriage is a romantic arrangement,
infidelity threatens our emotional security.
Ironically, we used to turn to adultery --
that was the space where we sought pure love.
But now that we seek love in marriage,
Now, there are three ways that I think infidelity hurts differently today.
We have a romantic ideal in which we turn to one person
to fulfill an endless list of needs:
to be my greatest lover, my best friend,
the best parent, my trusted confidant,
my emotional companion, my intellectual equal.
And I am it: I'm chosen, I'm unique,
I'm indispensable, I'm irreplaceable,
And infidelity tells me I'm not.
Infidelity shatters the grand ambition of love.
But if throughout history, infidelity has always been painful,
because it threatens our sense of self.
So my patient Fernando, he's plagued.
He goes on: "I thought I knew my life.
I thought I knew who you were, who we were as a couple, who I was.
Now, I question everything."
Infidelity -- a violation of trust, a crisis of identity.
"Can I ever trust you again?" he asks.
"Can I ever trust anyone again?"
And this is also what my patient Heather is telling me,
when she's talking to me about her story with Nick.
Nick just left on a business trip,
and Heather is playing on his iPad with the boys,
when she sees a message appear on the screen:
Strange, she thinks, we just saw each other.
"Can't wait to hold you in my arms."
She also tells me that her father had affairs,
but her mother, she found one little receipt in the pocket,
and a little bit of lipstick on the collar.
and she finds hundreds of messages,
and photos exchanged and desires expressed.
The vivid details of Nick's two-year affair
unfold in front of her in real time,
Affairs in the digital age are death by a thousand cuts.
But then we have another paradox that we're dealing with these days.
Because of this romantic ideal,
we are relying on our partner's fidelity with a unique fervor.
But we also have never been more inclined to stray,
and not because we have new desires today,
where we feel that we are entitled to pursue our desires,
because this is the culture where I deserve to be happy.
And if we used to divorce because we were unhappy,
today we divorce because we could be happier.
And if divorce carried all the shame,
today, choosing to stay when you can leave
So Heather, she can't talk to her friends
because she's afraid that they will judge her for still loving Nick,
and everywhere she turns, she gets the same advice:
Leave him. Throw the dog on the curb.
And if the situation were reversed, Nick would be in the same situation.
Now, the typical assumption is that if someone cheats,
either there's something wrong in your relationship or wrong with you.
But millions of people can't all be pathological.
The logic goes like this: If you have everything you need at home,
then there is no need to go looking elsewhere,
assuming that there is such a thing as a perfect marriage
that will inoculate us against wanderlust.
But what if passion has a finite shelf life?
What if there are things that even a good relationship
The vast majority of people that I actually work with
are not at all chronic philanderers.
They are often people who are deeply monogamous in their beliefs,
and at least for their partner.
But they find themselves in a conflict
between their values and their behavior.
They often are people who have actually been faithful for decades,
that they never thought they would cross,
and at the risk of losing everything.
Affairs are an act of betrayal,
and they are also an expression of longing and loss.
At the heart of an affair, you will often find
a longing and a yearning for an emotional connection,
for novelty, for freedom, for autonomy, for sexual intensity,
a wish to recapture lost parts of ourselves
or an attempt to bring back vitality in the face of loss and tragedy.
I'm thinking about another patient of mine, Priya,
and would never want to hurt the man.
that she's always done what was expected of her:
good girl, good wife, good mother,
taking care of her immigrant parents.
Priya, she fell for the arborist who removed the tree from her yard
And with his truck and his tattoos, he's quite the opposite of her.
But at 47, Priya's affair is about the adolescence that she never had.
And her story highlights for me that when we seek the gaze of another,
it isn't always our partner that we are turning away from,
but the person that we have ourselves become.
And it isn't so much that we're looking for another person,
as much as we are looking for another self.
there is one word that people who have affairs always tell me.
And they often will tell me stories of recent losses --
and a friend that went too soon,
Death and mortality often live in the shadow of an affair,
because they raise these questions.
Am I going on for another 25 years like this?
Will I ever feel that thing again?
And it has led me to think that perhaps these questions
are the ones that propel people to cross the line,
and that some affairs are an attempt to beat back deadness,
And contrary to what you may think,
affairs are way less about sex, and a lot more about desire:
desire for attention, desire to feel special,
And the very structure of an affair,
the fact that you can never have your lover,
That in itself is a desire machine,
because the incompleteness, the ambiguity,
keeps you wanting that which you can't have.
Now some of you probably think
that affairs don't happen in open relationships,
First of all, the conversation about monogamy is not the same
as the conversation about infidelity.
But the fact is that it seems that even when we have
the freedom to have other sexual partners,
we still seem to be lured by the power of the forbidden,
that if we do that which we are not supposed to do,
then we feel like we are really doing what we want to.
And I've also told quite a few of my patients
that if they could bring into their relationships
one tenth of the boldness, the imagination and the verve
that they put into their affairs,
they probably would never need to see me.
So how do we heal from an affair?
And some affairs are death knells
for relationships that were already dying on the vine.
But others will jolt us into new possibilities.
The fact is, the majority of couples
who have experienced affairs stay together.
But some of them will merely survive,
and others will actually be able to turn a crisis into an opportunity.
They'll be able to turn this into a generative experience.
And I'm actually thinking even more so for the deceived partner,
"You think I didn't want more?
But I'm not the one who did it."
But now that the affair is exposed,
and they no longer have to uphold the status quo
that may not have been working for them that well, either.
I've noticed that a lot of couples,
in the immediate aftermath of an affair,
because of this new disorder that may actually lead to a new order,
will have depths of conversations with honesty and openness
that they haven't had in decades.
And, partners who were sexually indifferent
find themselves suddenly so lustfully voracious,
they don't know where it's coming from.
Something about the fear of loss will rekindle desire,
and make way for an entirely new kind of truth.
what are some of the specific things that couples can do?
We know from trauma that healing begins
when the perpetrator acknowledges their wrongdoing.
So for the partner who had the affair,
one thing is to end the affair,
but the other is the essential, important act of expressing
guilt and remorse for hurting his wife.
that I have noticed that quite a lot of people who have affairs
may feel terribly guilty for hurting their partner,
but they don't feel guilty for the experience of the affair itself.
And that distinction is important.
And Nick, he needs to hold vigil for the relationship.
He needs to become, for a while, the protector of the boundaries.
It's his responsibility to bring it up,
because if he thinks about it,
he can relieve Heather from the obsession,
and from having to make sure that the affair isn't forgotten,
and that in itself begins to restore trust.
it is essential to do things that bring back a sense of self-worth,
to surround oneself with love and with friends and activities
that give back joy and meaning and identity.
is to curb the curiosity to mine for the sordid details --
Where were you? Where did you do it?
How often? Is she better than me in bed? --
questions that only inflict more pain,
And instead, switch to what I call the investigative questions,
the ones that mine the meaning and the motives --
What did this affair mean for you?
What were you able to express or experience there
that you could no longer do with me?
What was it like for you when you came home?
What is it about us that you value?
Every affair will redefine a relationship,
and every couple will determine
what the legacy of the affair will be.
But affairs are here to stay, and they're not going away.
And the dilemmas of love and desire,
they don't yield just simple answers of black and white and good and bad,
Betrayal in a relationship comes in many forms.
There are many ways that we betray our partner:
with indifference, with violence.
Sexual betrayal is only one way to hurt a partner.
In other words, the victim of an affair
is not always the victim of the marriage.
and I know what you're thinking:
She has a French accent, she must be pro-affair.
But because I think that good can come out of an affair,
I have often been asked this very strange question:
Now, I would no more recommend you have an affair
than I would recommend you have cancer,
and yet we know that people who have been ill
often talk about how their illness has yielded them a new perspective.
The main question that I've been asked since I arrived at this conference
when I said I would talk about infidelity is, for or against?
I look at affairs from a dual perspective:
hurt and betrayal on one side,
growth and self-discovery on the other --
what it did to you, and what it meant for me.
And so when a couple comes to me in the aftermath of an affair
most of us are going to have two or three relationships
and some of us are going to do it with the same person.
Would you like to create a second one together?